Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize