i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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