so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
