Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Screwed.edu
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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