youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We got so high we made milksteak
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
