I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
