i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just want to make out with him forever
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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