I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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