there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
