You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
