pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
God I need to hump something, right now.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
