he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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