WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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