he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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