I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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