The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
