Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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