i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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