In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
