trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
