Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
