i love accidental penises.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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