I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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