1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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