First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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