My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
