perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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