can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
