Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
