He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I intend to get homeless drunk
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
