I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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