I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
