6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
