Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
