i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize