Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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