I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She tied me up with her honor cords...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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