Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
