I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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