$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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