I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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