You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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