Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
