He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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