I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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