my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Found your dick twin last night
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
