There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
