Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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