I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
