On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
