I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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