I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
