she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
