The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
