I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
