If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
