Sponge bath it is.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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