my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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