she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
